Below are some Derren-Brown-inspired stories I used as aide memoires for 7-letter stems. Full explanation here.
ANGLERS (12)
Those ANGLERS are all SANGREAL, with their full red blood keeping their fingers toasty pink, but they don’t half drop some CLANGERS, gossiping while they wiggle their DANGLERS in the water. The water ENLARGES their FLANGERS too, oo-er, but it’s ok cos it REALIGNS all their messy bits and makes sure they don’t get caught in the MANGLERS. If they do, they have to be pulled out with GRAPNELS, cos otherwise the manglers will STRANGLE them, reducing them to tiny GRANULES of former person, while another angler WRANGLES with the mangled one, trying to save them and make sure their LARYNGES remain intact (so they can do more gossiping).
ATELIER (12)
I am sitting crosslegged in the department store ATELIER, waiting for someone to LIBERATE me from this shopping tedium. When I saw the cans of drink RETAILED at 1p each, I knew it was too good to be true. They were referring to LITREAGE, which is an ETHERIAL quantity, calculated at parts per million, and using completely different MATERIEL than what you think. And anyway my can has sprung leaks, due to someone having stuck a TREENAIL into it and then dropped it from their AEROLITE while their teeth shone with a PEARLITE sheen, and the beer RETAILER seized the rest of the cans at the EARLIEST opportunity. But as he is my LITERATE RELATIVE, he read me a bedtime story to make up for it.
ATTIRES (11)
My ATTIRES were so bad when I went on Countdown that they started shooting at me with BIRETTAS, which only made me even SCATTIER, due to losing half my brains through a hole in my head. This also turned me into the TARDIEST person I know, and now I am someone who ITERATES to work out even the simplest task. I am afraid they will MISTREAT me some more when they realise I dyed my hair with NITRATES, although the resulting warm glow did make me much TOASTIER at night, and the residue has turned my pillow into the TARRIEST thing you ever saw, leaving streaky STRIATES of stain, and turning me into the grumpiest RATTIEST morning person ever, particularly as I have now become the WARTIEST I have ever been. I blame the nitrates.
DEAREST (14)
My DEAREST love was full BREASTED, and had to be RESEATED on planes. The DRAFTEES worshipped her, and even RESTAGED their Xmas play in an attempt to put her in the limelight, but she was too busy boarding another plane and resting her amplitude on the HEADREST, and was thus the READIEST for evacuation as it made her face backwards. She STREAKED down her street after she got frustrated with the TREADLES on her ancient sewing machines and ran out of the house in a huff. She always sewed naked. She later MASTERED the machines, but all to no avail as they broke when she threw them at the local PEDERAST. Of course she was ARRESTED. She ASSERTED and RESTATED her rights, but now she DEWATERS the plants in the local prison, by sucking moisture from them.
DENIERS (11)
I will feed those holocaust DENIERS some ARSENIDE, see how they like that. Of course they are what happens when society INBREEDS on itself, but luckily they are not the DEFINERS of our age. They don’t even get DESIGNER status; that is reserved for Max Clifford, who prances about in a DEERSKIN and paints REDLINES on himself when he thinks nobody is looking. He has his DEMINERS but personally I think his DIRENESS is mitigated by the pot pourri he has INSERTED under his chin. He had to use WIDENERS to get it there, and now he employs INDEXERS to keep track of it all.
DERANGE (11)
If you DERANGE my hair, I shall become DERANGED. I shall be a RENEGADE and run screaming down the street until I have REGAINED all my dignity, which might be hard, as Max Clifford has stolen it and put it under his chin. Indeed he has become so ENLARGED that I had to call a GENDARME and have him arrested. I said he would ENDANGER my fragile sanity, and I was told that as a RENEGADO he could do what he liked, which is so outrageous I have decided to remove myself from society and become a GARDENER on some remote and fragrant isle. As long as nobody DERANGES my hair again, I will be OK. I will wear a DUNGAREE and have my name ENGRAVED on a friendly native’s chin.
DESTINE (12)
I think they will DESTINE my sons to grow up as imbeciles if they keep putting ANDESITE in the water. My son already has the BENDIEST thumbs you ever saw, and is DESTINED to be some kind of Finger Gymnast. Luckily he is not the NEEDIEST child, nor is he currently INFESTED, and he hasn’t INGESTED any poisons as he has always LISTENED carefully to all my wise advice and is now sitting happily amongst the SEDIMENT at the bottom of a giant wine glass. Such are my parenting skills. But as I am one of the NERDIEST people in Manchester, I guess this DESTINES him to become some kind of computer geek who spends all his time tapping away on his laptop in seedy DINETTES because he hasn’t INVESTED his money wisely. Heigh ho, that’s the way it goes.
DETAINS (14)
The local police force DETAINS the people with the BANDIEST legs. They get that way by travelling long DISTANCE and owning the fine-and-DANDIEST little bottles of ANDESITE, which they use for SEDATING the HANDIEST handymen so that they can kidnap them and force them to do maintenance on all their DAINTIES, which are tied to their garden lawns with LANDTIES to stop the dainties from flying away and kidnapping MEDIANTS to force them to do seances under SEDATION. These dainties are the RANDIEST, and also the SANDIEST (on account of the soil being sandy) and it’s a good thing they are INSTATED on the bandy-legged people’s lawns, for they are all the most terrible DEVIANTS.
DIETERS (13)
These DIETERS are the READIEST for battle, as they BESTRIDE their exercise bikes and nibble on DISCREET little sugar-free butterfly buns. Their spindly legs are the REEDIEST and each one is a good DIGESTER, having worked out this is the best way to burn calories. They each have a Main Rite and a SIDERITE, all part of the fat-losing routine, and they have now RELISTED the main weight-losing techniques in a giant pink dossier, along with merits and DEMERITS of various fad diets, which is of course the NERDIEST way of going about things, but there you go, at least they are occasionally RESPITED from their dieting madness by the DESTRIER, who comes bearing diet-busting chocolate boxes which at first they RESISTED, but it’s the WEIRDEST thing: When we smeared suncream on the lids they went ahead and ate the chocolates quite happily.
EARNEST (12)
The importance of being EARNEST is clearly related to the ARSENATE Uncle Bumbery will put in your tea if you claim to be anyone else. But Uncle is a SARCENET, and that’s his excuse for everything. He is a FASTENER and will stick to you when you least expect it, but will also ESTRANGE himself from you at the merest hint of a Valentines card, which will upset him but of course HEARTENS most recipients. Uncle, on the other hand, will apply a RESINATE to each card and then hand them to his SERJEANT, who will burn them under a full moon, full insignia on each elbow. Such behaviour may well RESONATE with any nutjob aunties, but they are all full of TERRANES, and I will not become an ASSENTER to their weird behaviour, no matter how anyone ENTREATS me. We are all VETERANS of the nutjob aunty chuck-under-the-skin-and-squeeze approach.
ELATING (14)
It is genuinely ELATING when my youngest brings me pondweed full of ALGINATE while surrounded by BLEATING gambolling lambs, although I end up DELATING and missing the last bus home cos I am so busy collecting wild GELATINE for my home-made vodka jelly, which is constructed by ATHELING my leg LIGAMENT along a GANTLINE, all of which would be fine if there weren’t a question mark over the LEGATION of it all, particularly as I have started PLEATING a forged passport so that I can take the jelly to Austria. I was caught last time by immigration officials who didn’t take kindly to my RELATING the story of the gambolling lambs, and accused me of STEALING forty tons of gelatine, a problem I could solve only by VALETING their cars for free. Although I did do some EXALTING when I found a fifty pound note down the back of a seat, which I could only remove by TEAZLING it out ever so carefully.
ENTRIES (17)
I’ve noticed lately that our back entries are all full of sticky RESINATE. I was hoping it might slow the ENTICERS down, but ours are the NERDIEST ever and solve the problem by making their feet TEENSIER, muttering INTEGERS in some kind of weird incantation. They then descend on the local NITERIES, refusing to wipe their feet. I met one in the local café - he was a good LISTENER, and the more I spoke, the INTENSER his expression became. He was high on SEROTINE and kept shouting “SPREITEN!” at odd intervals for no good reason. I think he was maybe German, but he was also an INSERTER and inserted SENTRIES at every doorway while still maintaining his INTEREST in what I was saying. He was an ESURIENT buggar, which means he was always sure of his rent, despite being the one of the NERVIEST people of the INTERSEX gender that I have ever met. He was certainly lacking in SERENITY, if not genitals.
ETERNAL (9)
I have this ETERNAL dilemma of how to sell my house. The place is still RENTABLE, despite the walls being ANTLERED (it used to belong to a hunter) and the chairs being LEATHERN and there being a great big TREENAIL banged into the front door. I know, I am just an annoying LAMENTER and should keep my opinions under my LANNERET. I have recently RELEARNT what a lanneret is, but that is not RELEVANT now. It is EXTERNAL to the matter at hand.
GARNETS (11)
What are GARNETS anyway? They are the grandsons of TANAGERS, and are often caught using DRAGNETS in the sea, which an ESTRANGE fisherman ENGRAFTS onto the side of his head, using a handy hook which a GANGSTER once placed there, when he was at his most ANGRIEST. The gangster wanted to STRANGLE the fisherman, but his fisherman’s GARMENTS got in the way. They became indeed the NEGATORS, also preventing the gangster from using his TREPANGS to drill a hole in the fisherman’s head. They were not GRANTERS, those garments. Oh no, not at all.
INSTATE (12)
I would have mixed feelings if my previous employers were to reinstate me, just as I would if someone new decided to INSTATE me. I would coat myself in ASTATINE, and once INSTATED I would TETANISE my fingers by jabbing rusty orange nails into them, which would make me the FAINTEST but also the TANGIEST person around. They might take me to hospital but I would be the most HESITANT of PATIENTS, scared as I am of all those bottles of NITRATES they keep hidden under the beds. This kind of shenanigan would also make me one of the ANTSIEST patients, and wot with my terrible old holey dressing gown I would hardly be the NATTIEST, as my TASTEVIN is terrible and my feet are the TAWNIEST, they are so brown from sockless walking.
NAILERS (13)
The NAILERS have ruined my CARLINES by banging their rusty nails into my Ford Mondeo. Although to be fair as an ISLANDER I could never drive it far. But the car REALIGNS my chakras and removes the need for my INHALERS as I drive with the windows down. I have been thinking about suggesting something similar to the AIRLINES, with maybe some added MINERALS just to make it sound good. They could promise to provide three-headed AILERONS to fly alongside, and give away free PRALINES to anyone who felt air-sick. This might make people less SNARLIER, particuarly if they pointed out that the sky above the clouds is RAINLESS and diverted their attention from the ENTRAILS which ailerons traditionally trail behind them, and of course they would throw their RAVELINS, which would help as a distracting influence, and the INLAYERS could inlay every passenger’s toenails with purest nuggets of gold.
NASTIES (14)
I don’t approve of video NASTIES. I reckon they SATANISE people and encourage them to climb into the BASSINET in their SCANTIES, despite being the SANDIEST in town. I saw one video nasty where a GIANTESS sang sea SHANTIES. They tried to SANITISE it by using the SNAKIEST tactic of giving her SALTINES to drink while exuding a kind of false MATINESS, but I wasn’t fooled. There were SAPIENTS (like homo sapiens but with extra tea) everywhere, the ARTINESS was faked, and the SESTINAS were the NASTIEST I have ever seen.
NUTSIER (12)
My new boyfriend is even NUTSIER than my old one was. He URINATES in giant TURBINES, and travels specially to power stations to do so. He also INTRUDES on my peaceful home by bringing his RETINUES in to visit. This make me nervous and gives me NEURITIS. Personally I think he is just an INSULTER and I’m not standing for it. This relationship would have reached its TERMINUS even if it weren’t for the RUNNIEST ROUTINES he has, the results of which are deposited in my loo. He stands there are stares at them before flushing, with one eye closed: He is a SQUINTER, and he is also very short, making him far too close to the action for comfort: He is the RUNTIEST man I have ever met, and I’m sending him back to VENTURIS, whence he came.
RATINGS (14)
When I went on Countdown, their RATINGS went down instantly. I know because I visited their office and did TRACINGS of their statistics, with tracing paper and a pencil. This made their secretary the ANGRIEST I have ever seen. She got in her bomber (which she kept under her desk) and started STRAFING me, shredding my clothes and leaving GRATINGS all over the floor. Then she started TRASHING the contents of my handbag. Luckily a STARLING appeared outside the window, and she (a keen ornithologist) was distracted. After that the local MIGRANTS were subjected to her RANTINGS, as well as the ORGANIST at her local church. I can tell you, our PARTINGS caused no sweet sorrow. But never mind Countdown, I am now STARRING in the local amdram production, which is STARTING next week, and you can all come and see me be STARVING on stage (it gives my performance an extra edge). But no STRAYING to the competing event breakdancing in the youth club hall!
REALIGN (17)
I was planning to REALIGN my allegiances and become a REGALIAN instead of a republican. It was Princess Di’s fault. She appeared in my dreams and started BLEARING all my convictions, although they are CLEARING now, and you can see the DRAGLINE where I had to pull them back through the mud. She’s such a FINAGLER, that Princess Di, although she is also GANGLIER than most, and has a NARGHILE sticking out of her pyjama pocket, as well as some keys, which are JANGLIER than mine. And she will MALINGER on my landing, moaning about what a hard lot she had. I am LEARNING to ignore her and keep my interests REGIONAL, as Princess Di was never a fan of the North, but her bright white teeth keep waking me up, as she has started PEARLING wih special toothpaste, even though her rotten old coffin teeth are also GNARLIER than ever, despite the fact that she REALIGNS them with a nutcracker each night, making them TRIANGLE-shaped and then RELAXING with my candles in my bath! Pah. I shall be RELAYING all of these abuses to the supernatural powers that be.
REGIONS (10)
I have been asked to get all the different REGIONS to make friends with each other. I am planning to ORGANISE a giant party, but nobody is very enthusiastic. It is a SOBERING prospect. The SEIGNIOR of the Spanish regions is very excited though. He has been RESOLING his shoes especially. I am throwing the party in NEGRONIS, in celebration of blackness and anticipation of any looming racism. Some regions have declined to come, but I will be REPOSING their invitations in more attractive terms (offering free chocolates) in the hope that the IGNORERS will be won over. If not I shall run amok, and the GORINESS shall know no bounds, as I shall run them through with TRIGONES and then relax in a miasma of SOIGNEUR. That’ll show ’em.
RELATES (11)
My aunt, when she gets drunk, RELATES a very strange tale. It involves little lambs called BLEATERS, whose skin (beneath their wool) is apparently the CLEAREST she has ever seen (she is an Avon rep). She gets them to work the TREADLES on her sewing machines, and regularly REFLATES them when they start to sag (they are inflatable sheep). But when she’s had enough of them she kills them and guts them and turns their skins into LEATHERS, which she then sells at the EARLIEST opportunity. She also adds OLEASTER and turns them into ornaments which she sells to the PRELATES at the local seminary (they put them on their windowsills next to their crosses). She claims there are many other RELATERS who tell this tale, but they are all STEALERS of her ideas and when she catches them at it she sends them packing in a hot air balloon, which the EASTERLY winds blow to China.
RELIANT (13)
The most RELIANT object I have ever owned is my trusty CLARINET, which I keep hanging on a TREENAIL in my study. When it goes flat I use an INFLATER to get it going again (boom, boom) and me and my boyfriend have little concerts where he plays his TRIANGLE, although we sometimes fall prey to INERTIAL forces and don’t even manage to get out of bed. My excuse is that I have a TERMINAL illness, and his is that he has INTERNAL bleeding, which he caught on a trip to ORIENTAL climes on a TRIPLANE. If he isn’t careful his ENTRAILS pop out to say hello, and the internal becomes external, but his TENURIAL job as a clown in the local university keeps him going and even allows him the occasional INTERVAL from pain, giving him the chance to INTERLAY positive interludes in his otherwise tragic life.
RESTATE (10)
I would like to RESTATE that STEARATE is not an appropriate substance for ABETTERS to use when helping people to escape from prison. I am getting really quite annoyed about this now, and have already RESTATED it several times. These idiots are damaging the GREATEST THEATRES in the land by stealing stearate from under their stages, even though it ITERATES quite clearly in the theatrical guidelines that such nefariousness is simply not on. My TEAMSTER Betty Boop agrees me, and often ENTREATS people not to be so stupid, although she then RETREATS and sucks her toenails in a private sulk, which makes her words less weighty. But even she RESTATES them several times.
RETAILS (13)
My book RETAILS at ten of your earth pounds, but it LIBRATES at the princely sum of nothing at all. Which is good, as I have been doing RECITALS in my local library, despite being the LARDIEST I’ve ever been and getting drunk at the EARLIEST opportunity. Indeed I am also the FRAILEST due to all those arguments I’ve been having with Princess Di about not being a REGALIST any more. She really is the LAIRIEST ghost I know, and is also STALKIER than most and keeps sticking her string LITERALS into my C++ code and leaving ENTRAILS behind her wherever she goes. I’ve tried giving her a PILASTER to cover the hole in her side, but she just says I’ve spelt it wrong and refuses to use it. Still the RETRIALS of her butler and her dead boyfriend’s ex dad are next week, so maybe she’ll bugger off to the courtroom and give me some peace. Otherwise I shall stick SALTIRES in her tea and watch her shrivel. Serve her right too.
RINGERS (11)
They are RINGERS, these people who let me beat them at Countdown. I can tell because their EARRINGS are too shiny. They are BRINGERS of bad luck, I will have nothing more to do with them. Although apparently my paranoid ramblings on the subject are absolute CRINGERS and turn sensible people into GRINDERS of teeth. I don’t care, I am now a RESIGNER and have walked away from the whole thing, although not before I hid HERRINGS in their airing cupboards. They won’t be GRINNERS any more when those fish start to smell, and they won’t be able to be IGNORERS either, although one of them has a SPRINGER spaniel who may alert them to my plan. Well I shall RESTRING my bow and get out my arrow and then they shall all be WRINGERS of hands and we shall see who has won.
ROASTER (10)
“Get me some potatoes!”
“What kind?”
“ROASTERS.”
“What, the kind to make fluffy mash?”
“No, they’re AERATORS.”
“Oh well, they’re all CREATORS. Anyway, I want mash.”
“Do you have a masher?”
“No, I’ll spin them on my ROTARIES. Or bore them to death with some REALTORS. Or run over them with my ROADSTER.”
“I think that might be illegal. Watch out for the ARRESTOR.”
“If they arrest me, I’ll be an ASSERTOR. And then I’ll sit on them with my REARMOST end. And then they will be ROSTRATE with contrition.”
“I don’t think you know what ROSTRATE means.”
“Oh. I don’t know what PRAETORS means, either.”
A SALIENT (11) speech:
“DEINSTAL this balloon, it INFLATES people’s GENITALS, leading to LITANIES of complaint! For instance, the LANKIEST, but MANLIEST complainer had green TOENAILS. And his PANTILES were on fire, exposing his ENTRAILS which were then covered in SALTINES cos I thought they were slug trails. They did INSULATE my living room rather nicely though.”
SALTERS (12)
SALTERS are the best peanuts. But BLASTERS are good, turning tongues into SCARLETS, although brave eaters remain TEARLESS while a nurse SLATHERS them with ointment. The REALISTS don’t believe this tale, but the STALKERS stand by with SALTERNS and PLASTERS, hoping to create more pain and then claiming to make it better, while the STARLESS sky STARTLES the SALUTERS, who were hoping to pay homage to the clouds which keep the WASTRELS at bay.
SALTING (14)
The council are SALTING the road and BLASTING the houses and CASTLING the shopping centre, while STEALING our taxes for the FATLINGS and ignoring the TAILINGS of income for the STALKING people, whose cars are STALLING outside the brewery and its MALTINGS, which are SLANTING on a big slurry pile, next to the pile of ANTILOGS which props up the pile of logs, along with its STAPLING foundations and a huge blob of STARLING poo, which is cleaned up by SALTINGS while hordes stand by SALUTING.
SARDINE / SANDIER(13)
The SARDINE ARANEIDS drink BRANDIES while their sisters are SARDINED in tins full of ARSENIDE. Their aunty is one of the GRADINES. She is an ISLANDER with painful ANEROIDS (which can only be treated with ANERbolic sterOIDS), cos she SPRAINED her wrist on the DRAINERS of the SARDINES, who were then STRAINED through DENARIUS’ pants and fed to the INVADERS as punishment.
SATIRES (14)
Oh I do love SATIRES. Such as the one about the SCARIEST DISASTER caused by the SERIATES (a kind of animated serrated knife), who paid the AGISTERS to SATIRISE the SARKIEST REALISTS you could ever hope to meet. They were right SMARTIES, wot with their ARTINESS and their Danish PASTRIES, but they were no match for the TARSIERS, who had an ASSISTER, several STRIATES and a WAITRESS.
SEALING (15)
The agreement will be ready for SEALING when it is SIGNABLE. It deals with the DEALINGS of the ENSILAGE, a well-known race which FINAGLES its way out of all problems and is always LEASHING its dogs with diamond LINKAGES and embroidered NIGELLAS. The Nigellas have LEANINGS towards GASOLINE as favourite tipple, as this is PLEASING and REALIGNS their GLASSINE stares. The Nigellas are always STEALING other people’s LEAVINGS and generally SLEAZING about all over the place.
SEARING (15)
In SEARING heat I lose my BEARINGS and my skin is CREASING when I do READINGS. My hair starts GREASING all over people, who then summon me to HEARINGS. But that’s OK, it REALIGNS all those SMEARING GRANNIES who try to ORGANISE pogroms by SPEARING people with their EARRINGS. And I’ve got the ASSIGNER on the case. He is the ANGRIEST person I know, and deals with the problem using VINEGARS and SWEARING.
SEATING (13)
We’re SEATING the people to avoid them getting BEATINGS. Soon we’ll be SEDATING them all, then FEASTING on their succulent chins. That’s if the enemy don’t start STEALING all the MANGIEST bits. They’re such ANTIGENS, as is the RANGIEST GIANTESS I know. She has the TANGIEST recipe, which involves SAUTEING sausages in wines of the best VINTAGES, and then SWEATING when people ask her what the hell TZIGANES are.
SERTAOS (10)
The BOASTERS have been bragging so much about their COASTERS of ASSORTED colours, that they are now the HOARSEST people around. They are the MAESTROS of showing off, although they’re not as good as the SENATORS, with their PROTASES in their pockets and ROASTERS in their TOASTERS. I hope they get lifted by the STORAXES and tickled in the SERTAOS.
SOUNDER (12)
They are no SOUNDER than the devil, those BOUNDERS! One of them even REDOUNDS the FOUNDERS and then pockets the GUERDONS so that he can ENSHROUD them with ROUNDELS. He eats quarter POUNDERS, then plays ROUNDERS with the burger buns and gets his SOUNDERS TONSURED with UNSOURED milk, which can only be got from an UNDERSOW with mangy udders.
STAINER (18)
I bought some STAINER, but now I need some ARTESIAN co-ordinates to help me find the BANISTER and empty my CANISTER of stain. Then I’ll find someone who DETRAINS stainers and then trains them up to use RESINATE instead. You need GANTRIES for that though, to reach the high spots, and HAIRNETS to protect you from the drips, something I learnt during the RAINIEST summer on record, during which I became the NARKIEST person ever, especially after I fell in the LATRINES at the bottom of the MINARETS. I’ll also need someone who ENTRAINS NOTARIES to prosecute PAINTERS who drop pots on people’s heads. If he RETRAINS STAINERS to use NITRATES instead of resinate, I won’t even care if he URINATES on people’s heads.
STARTLE (11)
They STARTLE me, those BATTLERS with their prickly weapon which CLATTERS down the stairs. My son was STARTLED too, but their mate FLATTERS everyone and got round my son. The MALTSTER wasn’t convinced though; she’s such a SLATTERN, with her dirty PLATTERS and noisy RATTLERS, she STARTLES everyone she meets. And as for her daughters, they are just TARTLETS with LUSTRATE hair.
STONIER (14)
These cobbles are stony, but they’re no STONIER than the SENORITA, who has the CORNIEST feet ever and is covered in SEROTINE. Her GENITORS were the HORNIEST people ever, and sacked several JOINTERS every morning before breakfast. They were followed around everywhere by INTONERS, who were SNOOTIER than the queen herself and kept stabbing at everyone with their POINTERS, even the INTRORSE TENORIST, whose biblical ROUTINES made our ears hurt so much we had to poison our INVESTOR with TYROSINE.
STORERS (11)
According to my STORERS, the ASSERTOR RESTORES the FORTRESS using the SORRIEST STROKERS you ever saw, and then mobilises his STORMERS, made up of SNORTERS with noses full of snot, ROOSTERS determined to get everyone out of bed and SPORTERS who kick balls at us all. Unsurprisingly this is a big STRESSOR and causes me to lose my TROUSERS.
STORING (12)
I have taken to STORING my ORGANIST in a box full of STROBING lights. My GENITORS disapprove, and have started FROSTING my window panes in the middle of the day, which is SHORTING my lights and STROKING my great aunt Ethel, which then sends her STORMING and SNORTING around the house, before ROOSTING in the rafters and having to be rescued by SPORTING heroes, who start ROUSTING each other and losing all their battles, otherwise known as WORSTING.
STREELS (13)
What are STREELS? They are nasty little creatures. They are STEALERS who leave woodsmen TREELESS and guitarists FRETLESS. They even steal SHELTERS and leave people homeless. They are TIRELESS in their thievery. They use KESTRELS to steal molten metal from SMELTERS (the kestrels roll in it and coat their wings, and then have to use helium-filled balloons to stay afloat). This makes the kestrels RESTLESS, and before you know it they are smashing up TRESTLES and making the STREUSEL weep golden tears. These tears are known as SERVLETS, and are used to bathe a giant, who then WRESTLES with a dwarf after he RESTYLES his hair using the tears as gel.
TASTERS (11)
The job of the TASTERS is to make sure my yoghurt isn’t poisoned. They have a servant who SCATTERS the yoghurt over their tongues, before she RESTATES the rules in case anyone cheats. This SHATTERS the hopes of those who thought they might get away with splitting the yoghurt into STRIATES, which is the STARKEST example of cheating and STARTLES me when I see the state of my house, particularly when they get it all over the MATTRESS. TARTNESS is their biggest complaint, as they all have sweet tooths. But what gets me is when they put yoghurt in their TOASTERS. It SPATTERS everywhere, especially when the servant RESTARTS the tasting race and they all rush to be the first.
TEARERS (16)
The TEARERS broke into the CATERERS and started shredding all the doilies, until they got ARRESTED that is. One ARRESTEE said she needed the shredded doilies, along with a stolen bottle of FERRATES, to clean out and unclog her ARTERIES. It turned out she needed them clear because she was a STREAKER, as the RELATERS told me later. When she was free she tried to digitally REMASTER her Elvis Flipflop And The TERRANES recording, but she hadn’t reckoned on the TAPERERS, who told tales to the ARRESTER and got her back in prison again. Her ASSERTER says that if she RETREATS and shows them where the TREASURE is buried, they will let her TRAVERSE the moat which surrounds the prison, and they’ll turn off the WATERERS so she doesn’t get wet.
TEARING (15)
I’ve been TEARING around all week, AERATING myself unnecessarily and BERATING those CATERING imbeciles who insist on DERATING my Apterous score, just because I declared ENARGITE when I had no G. But now I am EARTHING myself, RETAKING my medicine and sitting in a TRIANGLE of calm. I have decided to leave and become an EMIGRANT, as my enthusiasm for this place is TAPERING, and I am RERATING it as being not so great after all. I was at my ANGRIEST when they were TREATING me like a foolish child, but now I am AVERTING any further strife by WATERING my psyche with rosewater and teatree oil.
TEASERS (13)
Oh, those TEASERS with their CERASTES, teasing my DEARESTS with the ESTERASE, they are FEASTERS on my soul. My soul, which RESTAGES the SERIATES and leaves me TEARLESS as I sit under the STEAMERS. But I am an ASSENTER, I love this stuff. Flying high on their TRAPESES, I am also an ASSERTER, who RESTATES my conviction and then puts on several SWEATERS to keep warm.
TENSILE (9)
I am TENSILE about my son’s girth, but I have STILBENE charting those CENTILES, and have even ENLISTED the help of a SELENITE to aid me in my task. But it is SLEETING outside and I have had to post a SENTINEL at SureStart to make sure I get my baby massage place. The sentinel is a LISTENER, she will tell me when they are full. And this ENTITLES her to several VEINLETS of melted chocolate.
TERRIES (11)
TERRIES are clogging my motherhood ARTERIES, this is what the RECITERS tell me. They say I am a DESTRIER. But they are all RETIREES, who won’t even REGISTER the effectiveness of my modern ways. As for me, I am the MERRIEST INSERTER of washable nappies you will ever meet. Yappy bitey TERRIERS couldn’t distract me from my task, because I am a RESISTER. I will write washable manuals for mothers, and they will all be RIVETERS, because I am a person who REWRITES and rewrites and rewrites, until it is good.
TINGLES (12)
My conscience TINGLES when I go STEALING, and it leads to BELTINGS and SLEETING weather, although it always LIGHTENS eventually. I stole some KINGLETS the other day, but now I am planning on SMELTING them to get rid of the evidence. They are currently NESTLING and PESTLING in my RINGLETS and under my SINGLETS, SETTLING there happily until they get a chance to escape on their WINGLETS.
TIRADES (12)
I have been launching into TIRADES against those blasted hostesses and their AIRDATES. They send me into TRIBADES of anger, and I have DISRATED them on all their questionnaires. I am the READIEST for battle, as I am also the HARDIEST (despite being the LARDIEST) and as the MARDIEST I can grump for England. I have never been the RANDIEST. As an example, I caught an ASTEROID the other day, and TRAIPSED halfway across town to present it to one of those hostesses, but the whole thing was a DISASTER. She was the TARDIEST date I have ever had, and I smashed that damned asteroid over her head.
TONSURE (11)
TONSURE is a cross between tonsils and censure, and involves flicking COUNTERS at people while giving them the ROUNDEST telling off you can. Then you read their FORTUNES and wrap their tonsils in STURGEON, which can be found in SOUTHERN rivers, but only if you know their ROUTINES and don’t mistake them for TURNSOLE, who are MOUNTERS of river steps and smashers of NEUTRONS, and mess your TONSURES up without a doubt, and make you lose all your TOURNEYS.