Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Good News

I have news.

I'm ten weeks pregnant. We went for a scan this morning and saw a heartbeat, which was a relief.

It's been making me quite ill, which is why I haven't been blogging much. I've been mostly unable to read or write, as the printed word makes me liable to vomit. I've been mostly sitting in my rocking chair and feeling crap. I've been mostly very bored.

I've also been terrified of developing HG (Hyperemesis Gravidarum), a debilitating condition I had in my first pregnancy which is so horrible I don't even want to describe it. I'm technically still in danger of getting it, and supposedly have an 80% risk, but I'm feeling much more positive than I was.

I've been writing about it all in another blog. I may blog more over there than over here for a while, mainly because words still make me feel ill (although reading is much worse than writing), so I have to minimise the amount of time I spend at the computer. I should probably warn you though: That other blog was designed for fellow HG sufferers, and may be a bit graphic / tediously-detailed for some.

But anyway. Hurrah, and all that.

All the Miscarriage Posts

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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Moving Forward

I've been investigating the possibility of a new career. Supposedly I'm a freelance writer, but I'm not earning very much. I'm OK for now, but unless my income increases, I can't keep going.

I thought I'd found the perfect thing, but of course there are no Perfect Answers to life. Which doesn't stop me looking for them, cos I am a Lover of Plans, but really the pot of gold is a myth. This thing that I've found is nice and neat and has a guaranteed income and would start in September. But it won't be easy, and I'm starting to have doubts.

It's got me thinking though: The reason I seized on the idea of it so quickly was largely because I have very little faith in my ability to find and hold a job by other means. But why should this be?

Well... I haven't had a job, or indeed earnt much money, since the day of the miscarriage. I woke up one morning bleeding, and haven't worked since: I went off sick for a few weeks, then was made redundant on my return to work.... then got pregnant again, too ill to work... then had a baby... and have been a freelance since Feb this year.

I've got a bit of an emotional / confidence block re "jobs", I think. And I've got so used to the luxury of not having to go to work or try very hard to earn money. It's quite cosy. I'm scared to venture away from it.

Just writing the word "miscarriage" made me cry just now. It's about two years since it happened. Somebody asked the other day if I was aware of the anniversary. Not consciously. I'm not big on annual reminders anyway, my brain just doesn't think that way. I don't even know the date it started, or the date I was made redundant, or anything like that. But maybe the time of year triggers something. Again, not consciously, but I have been getting slightly more sad about it, and slightly more often. Nothing very concrete: I don't mourn the loss of a child, because I have my lovely baby. I don't think about what might have been. But I remember that a sad thing happened to me, and that memory makes me sad.

All the Miscarriage Posts

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I'm a little flower, short and stout...