Tuesday, April 10, 2007

21 Reasons Why a Miscarriage is A Bit Rubbish

It is, just a bit. Here's why:

(1) Despite the fact that your insides are babyless, they are still Sticking Out. Which may or may not have something to do with the fact that you thought you could get away with eating Whatever The Hell You Liked for two months, because you were pregnant. You were pregnant. Now you are just fat. Which is rubbish.

(2) It makes you want to get drunk all the time. Which would be fine if alcohol weren't a depressant and didn't make you hungover, as well as even more fat. Which is bobbins.

(3) It makes you want to eat chocolate all the time. Which also makes you fat. And stops being a cheer-you-up treat when you eat several tons of the stuff every hour. Which is a big pile of poo. Not literally though. That would just be weird.

(4) If the alcohol, the fat tummy and the baby-losing thing weren't making you depressed enough already, you are also not allowed to do strenuous exercise. For several weeks. Which makes you even fatter and even more depressed.

(5) The blood. It keeps coming out. Which leads to various problems, such as:

(6) Clothes. You can only wear dark colours. Add to that fact the Enormously Large Tummy which can no longer be explained away by pregnancy, and all you are left with is dark blue maternity dungarees. Every day. Which is a bit pants.

(7) Tampons. You're not allowed to use them. They can cause infection, apparently. So what the fuck are you supposed to do if you want...

(8) A bath? Which you do, because you are bleeding everywhere, and...

(9) It smells. Like a particularly smelly and drawn-out period. This stinks.

(10) It hurts. I was in serious pain most days last week. Which was crap.

(11) It goes on forever. I think most people assume (I certainly did) that you collapse in a big pile of blood for a few hours, and then it's all over. But no. It takes days, sometimes weeks, for it all to come out. And modern scanning techniques mean you often know (as we did) it's going to happen before it actually happens. So first you get the waiting. Then the bleeding. Then more waiting. More scans. More bleeding. And so on. It's rather tiresome.

(12) You don't get anything proper to grieve over, so you feel you have to gloss over it all the time. Unfortunately, your hormones don't agree.

(13) Hormones. They make you angry, sad, confused and FUCKING GRUMPY, without warning and in no particular order and please will you all just FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW but not before I've cried all over your jumpers. [sniff]

(14) Babies and pregnancies and all related matters are fucking everywhere. You will not escape.

(15) It's a very common complaint. It doesn't even make you special. At least if I'd given birth to a half-horse-half-hippopotamous it would have given us something to talk about.

(16) Breasts. Still enormous, still sore, still smelly. My boobs and I are not on the best of terms right now.

(17) Painkillers. How many? How often? What type? Can I last a little longer without taking any? Have I pooed yet today? Will they make me constipated, or give me a headache, and have I remembered to put some in my handbag / by my bed / down my throat?

(18) It's a rubbish name. Should it be used in noun form (I have had a miscarriage) or verb (I am miscarrying)? Does it describe a state or an event? Is it still happening until it's all come out? Am I still miscarrying? And to miscarry sounds like you held the baby a bit wrong, and if you just hitched it up under your left armpit / over your right hip you'd be fine.

(19) People's faces. Ally said last week he didn't want to go into work cos he couldn't be arsed arranging his face. People are either too sympathetic or not sympathetic enough. I don't want people to act like nothing's happened, but I don't want them fawning all over me either. Sorry folks, you're best avoiding me for a bit. I don't have an Etiquette Guide for this one, and I'll change my mind from one moment to the next.

(20) Sick leave. The pain and the bleeding come and go. The tears come and go. Sometimes I'm fine. I feel crap for taking all this time off work. But I really don't want to go to work. But I still feel guilty.

(21) Sex. I'm not squeamish, generally. I'm not one of those who abstains once a month. But... aaargh. You can imagine.

So. There you go. It's official: miscarriages are rubbish.

All the Miscarriage Posts

___

21 Comments:

Blogger hellojed said...

I had no idea. I'm shocked at my ignorance. I didn't think there would still be bleeding. It sounds painful and just fucking horrible for want of a better description. Thank you for being so candid, because now I can come closer to understanding what miscarriage really is, and not just a medical term that people skate around and never discuss. Doesn't help you though, I'm sorry.

12:32 PM  
Blogger Lisa Rullsenberg said...

I feel the need to send you a big cuddly jumper just to cry over. Massive hugs; as ever your honesty and wry wit beguiles us even as we know we can scarcely imagine your physical and emotional pain. Its pants, it sucks, and it fucking hurts to read your blog but damn it your deserve our reading because there's very few who coud write as well as you do about miscarriage.

2:27 PM  
Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Chocolate - poo - kind of look the same - having said that, hand me that hershey bar.

3:01 PM  
Blogger Clare said...

All snuggly jumpers welcome!

Thank you all.
xxx

3:39 PM  
Blogger pierre l said...

This is a very powerful post. This is my third or fourth time of reading it today, and it still brings the tears. I am so sad for you Clare. And looking at that smiling face as I type this is not helping. Best of luck, and I hope Ally and your mother are supporting you.

9:06 PM  
Blogger lucy pepper said...

god, i never knew it was as physically bad as that. i'm sending you psychic (or psycho) chocolate. it doesn't make you any fatter. and we all love you even more. xxxx

8:55 AM  
Blogger Gordon said...

You ain't getting MY snuggly jumper!!

I mean I am very very sorry about what you have gone through but, come on, there are limits. How about a big cuddle instead? I'm very good at them being quite large and snuggly myself.

[closes eyes, squints a bit, tries to send virtual 'hug']

On the upside, it's the perfect time to be eating a lot of chocolate. So many half-priced easter eggs!!

10:06 AM  
Blogger Rob said...

Great post Clare: as Hellojed said, it told me things I hadn't appreciated. And made me want to hug you.

((hug))

((removes chocolate from soggy jumper))

And Ally's face is fine the way it is. Whatever that happens to be.

5:58 PM  
Blogger thegirl said...

Wow, I never knew about this either: a very enlightening (and sad) post.

Sending a cyber-hug.

Zx

7:54 PM  
Blogger Shots said...

You are a brave and articulate lady. Thanks for writing about this. My thoughts are with you.

11:45 PM  
Blogger Clare said...

It's a very strange thing but the thought of you, Pierre, reading this and crying was, well, somehow gratifying. Which is rather awful when you think about it. But fuck it, I'm a writer. As a writer I enjoy recognition, and it's one of the few positive things in my life right now.

So I'm also dead chuffed this has been nominated for POTW. And not in the least bothered. I mean, it's not intrusive or tasteless and I WILL NOT MIND AT ALL if it's shortlisted. Not that I'm hinting or anything. Oh fuck, now you think I'm awful. Or that I'm being sarcastic. I'm not! Argh...

[hides behind sofa]

[comes out from behind sofa again]

Oh and by the way, I like the idea of psychic chocolate. Everybody send me psychic chocolate right now this minute please.

Mmmm, thank you. That was yummy.

I just wrote a book about psychic stuff, by the way. So I can tell real psychic chocolate when I see it.

Gordon, you mean you don't have an ancient snuggly moth-eaten jumper somewhere, that you don't want any more? Come on, you must have...

Rob, your jumper needs a wash. ;o)

Girl, it is very much appreciated indeed. Thank you. And you too, shots. I have a post coming up about bravery...

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Post Of The Week Judge said...

Post Of The Week...

http://www.postoftheweek.com/

11:09 PM  
Blogger Stray said...

I have an amazing jumper that is like wearing a cuddle. In fact, I have 2 (duplicate, just incase). You can wipe snot and tears on both of them.

Thanks for posting this. I hope you ... um get well soon? What's the correct sentiment? I wouldn't say 'get well soon' to a grieving person.

I hope you feel less fat, your tummy hurts less, your breasts behave better and the whole bleeding yukness is less yukky ... and that emotionally the things happen that are supposed to happen that I can't really fathom because I've not been there, and can only imagine are a bit unfathomable.

Have my jumper again. And some more psychic chocolate (calorie free of course).

Sx

8:48 AM  
Blogger Clare said...

Stray, I like the sound of your jumpers.

Thank you for all of your sentiments, all of which are appropriate and appreciated.

And Post of the Week judges, an extra thankyou for the POTW vote - which I'm not at all sure I deserve, so an extra thanks for that.

8:58 AM  
Blogger Nomes said...

*busies self making cups of tea and getting that god awful foil wrapper off chocolate...I mean, who needs THAT hindrance when in need...and bundling up snuggly jumpers in the wash with some woolite for the chocolate stains*

Amazing post. Thank goodness for POTW otherwise I would've not read it. Psychic chocolate, AND hugs (and the ubiquitous mugs of tea) to you and Ally.

11:26 AM  
Blogger Ally said...

Congratulations on POTW gorgeous.

Can I just point out that when Rob says that Ally's face is fine the way it is, that is a matter of some debate.

12:22 PM  
Blogger me said...

Great post. Not something i can often smile about, having recently had my 5th miscarriage, (walking around with a dead baby in your belly just waiting and waiting for something to happen is the ghastliest thing but so hard to tell anyone) ... you're a star. and you made me feel better. Thank you.

1:28 PM  
Anonymous Peter said...

So sorry. That's all.

4:27 PM  
Anonymous Shannon said...

My mother had four miscarriages before she gave birth to me.

As painful as it is, thank you for writing this post. It makes me truly appreciate the strength within my mother, my aunt, my mentor, you, and every other woman who has suffered through this awful time.

2:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you for this. i am having my 3rd niscarriage and I haven't found it described so perfectly anywhere else. I have just given this to my husband so that he can see how I feel. Thank you. x

9:15 PM  
Blogger Clare said...

It's very heartening to know this post is still helping people. I'm glad. Good luck with it all, and have a massive {{HUG}} from me.

11:21 PM  

I'm a little flower, short and stout...