Thursday, April 19, 2007

My Head

It's hard to describe how I am at the moment.

A bit madder than normal, I guess.

I keep bursting into tears at little things. Like when I ran out of milk. Or when there was someone holding a baby on ER. Or when a doctor saved a girl's life in a shop, and...

OK, so that one requires some explanation. A few weeks ago, Felix started choking on a sweet. I hit him on the back, tried (and failed) to do the Heimlich manoeuvre, and between us we worked each other within seconds to joint panic pitch. Somewhere in the midst of it all I managed to squeak out an anguished "Ally!" and Ally, who was in the next room, came in, threw Felix over his shoulder and gave him a good thump on the back, which seemed to do the trick.

We were all a bit shocked, but that's the weird thing about choking: it all happens so fast, and when it's over, it's over. Either way.

Anyway, I'd pretty much forgotten about it until Mark Green, the doctor on ER, did the same thing to a girl in a shop. And I burst out sobbing. Because the thought of losing Felix, on top of everything else...

And it is a bit like losing a child. Even though on a logical level I think that's ridiculous. It was never a child. It never had a personality. But thoughts keep popping into my head.

I was pregnant, and now I'm not.

In the first couple of weeks, it was all about the logic. I was all rational, and full of reasons why it didn't really matter.

But I guess that was a holding pattern. It took time for the emotional stuff to sink in. And then there are the hormones, which mean you're never quite sure what's "genuine" emotion and what's chemical. But of course, it doesn't really matter. It's all here in my head, in my heart, no matter where it came from.

Sometimes I'm tearful. Sometimes I'm just paralysed. Sometimes I'm numb, and staring at things from afar.

I keep thinking of things I could be doing with all this spare time, but I never manage to do any of them. I could be working on my book. I could be doing another edit, getting it ready to send out to agents again. But I'm not.

I could be reading books, or watching films, or eating chocolate, or writing short stories, or singing songs... God, the list of things I have been wanting to do, if only I had the spare time. Well, it's a long list. But am I doing any of it? Am I fuck.

Still, at least it proves I'm not skiving. There's no way I could do any work right now. Indeed, the thought fills me with dread.

And my middle is hurty. Sometimes my front-middle, sometimes my side-middle, sometimes my back-middle. Sometimes shooting pains, sometimes soreness, sometimes acheyness, my middles are offering a veritable smorgasbord of suffering. And sometimes it moves out, into my legs, my wrists, even my head. Except that none of it is actually that bad. I've stopped taking painkillers, and it's not constant. It wafts in and out, like a bored person looking for somewhere to read.

Sometimes I just feel raw all over, like the slightest gust of wind could cause agony to several exposed nerve endings.

But I've gone cold turkey on chocolate and alcohol. I'm restricting myself to weekends only. Trying to make it a treat, instead of a habit. And reverse my exploding waistline.

We've decided to wait a bit. Until I'm more stable. Try and enjoy the rest. For the last two years I've leapt from one life mission to the next: loft conversion, novel, pregnancy. It'd be nice to just live for a little while. Gather the scattered troops and throw them a party before sending them out again. We've booked tickets to Paris in June, for a very-short very-cheap break.

So. There you go. Can't think of a good cadence for this one. Even my urge to write is sporadic, half-hearted, desultory.

But I think I should stop watching ER.

All the Miscarriage Posts

___

16 Comments:

Blogger hellojed said...

I feel for you Clare. And ER always makes me cry, bloody thing. Still watch it though.

10:53 AM  
Anonymous meredic said...

Oh bugger. I am sory.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Clare said...

Thank you.

This site feels a bit scizophrenic at the mo, as I keep wavering between upbeat and downbeat posts. Shows how volatile my mood is, I guess.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Timbo said...

Try Greys Anatomy instead. It has music!

And it does sound like a break to escape, even for a few days, is a good idea.

2:17 PM  
Blogger JoeinVegas said...

Paris in the Spring - good place for a break. But no chocolate? I think that's a big part of it all.
(sorry, again with nothing very intelligent to say)

2:32 PM  
Blogger Anxious said...

I had that emotion thing when I first came out of hospital - the slightest thing would set me off.

Just give yourself time, as you say.

2:40 PM  
Blogger pierre l said...

Although this post didn't drive me to tears like some previous ones, I still feel very sad for you.

I assume you are still going into hospital for the D&C either tonight or tomorrow morning. If I was in the least bit religious, I would say that "I'll pray for you". OK, in the absence of that, I can say that I will thinking of you. The pains, bleeding, and other physical difficulties will repair themselves quite quickly after that, as well as the hormones.
You can help the emotional side by writing about how you feel, and there will be an endless supply of hugs and good words from your loyal readers who all love you, I am sure.
I hope you won't burst into tears after reading this, but I am sure that tears help the healing.
And you should enjoy what you have, i.e. Felix and Ally.
Good luck

3:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

MARK GREEN ??????
How many years ago was that episode?

4:00 PM  
Blogger Peach said...

Hey Clare - what about a whole book rather than your blog about everything you're going through - for you to get things out and for other's so they don't feel alone ? Just a thought - such a great writer - such a difficult time for you.... (((((HUGS))))

4:13 PM  
Blogger Clare said...

Yeah, it was an ancient episode. That's the joy of daytime telly and a freebox, you see: you get loads of ancient repeats.

It's majorly confusing on all fronts: I keep catching episodes out of sync in things like Desperate Housewives and Coronation St, but when, as in the long-running series such as Friends and ER, they are showing several different series at once, you never know what the hell's going on, and you keep finding yourself watching the aftermath to things that haven't happened yet. Case in point: The other day I watched an episode of ER with Nila (the British doctor) working in a dime store, and only hours later I saw one with her back at the hospital, having a conversation about how she worked in a dime store several months ago. But still I watch and enjoy...

I never got into Greys Anatomy though. Maybe I just haven't tried hard enough.

The thing about the chocolate is that if you eat too much of it, it stops being enjoyable. And makes you fat. You take it for granted, you see. Best to save it up for treats.

As for a book on miscarriages... blimey. Well anything's possible I guess, but as I'm still trying to find a publisher for my novel I think I might just stick to one book at a time for the time being. It's very hard to judge that kind of non-fiction, how to present it, whether it'll sell or not, whether or not there are already a million books on the same subject... writing a book is such a major undertaking, I'd need to be sure it was worth it. And whether I really wanted to do it! Might be a bit painful. Still, will bear it in mind.

I'm not going to be having a D&C tomorrow, by the way. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon for another scan. I'm assuming they'll find the same as they did at the last scan, seeing as nothing's come out since then. I'm also assuming they'll offer me a D&C again, but if I decide to go for it, they won't be doing it tomorrow - it'll be too late in the day. They'll make me another appointment for next week. But all of this is based on guesswork. I don't really know until I get there.

5:06 PM  
Blogger Ariel said...

ER has that effect on people. Too bloody clever. Try Green Wing instead. And don't be too hard on yourself Clare...

11:30 PM  
Blogger Rob said...

Must have been horrid when Felix was choking. I have a recurring dream (not fortunately recurring very often) where something gets stick in my throat and I wake up in a panic convinced I'm about to die. So I can quite understand how you felt.

DH rocks, though I'm several weeks behind at present owing to spending time watching things like "The Underdog Show" instead.

A book about your miscarriage: that hadn't occurred to me, but you know it really might be worth a thought. It's the kind of thing that sells; I don't think anyone's done quite that book before; if anyone could do a good job on it that would be you; and best of all, it would almost certainly help with publication of **** ******. Think: would Andy McNab have found it as easy to get a publishing deal for his fiction if he hadn't written two books of "autobiography" first? The most important thing is that you've got a story to tell, and one you know from BP is of interest to a lot of people. Seriously worth considering if you can bear it.

1:50 AM  
Blogger Clare said...

But surely Andy McNab was already famous before he wrote his autobiographical stuff? Sorry, I confess I'm not entirely sure who he is. I may have him mixed up with someone else.

But anyway, I suspect you are misjudging just how long it takes to write a book. I am very much hoping that **** ****** will be published long before the time it would take me to write another book!

Also, misery memoirs can be very problematic for the writer in many ways - not least that when it's published and people start reviewing / criticising it, they are not only criticising the writing style, they are criticising the author's life. It can be quite unpleasant. I think I want to get over this part of my life quickly, not drag it out by spending the next two or more years writing about it / talking about it.

And anyway, I'm a fiction writer. The only way I'd write a book about miscarriage is if someone gave me a LOT of money upfront, and that's extremely unlikely.

It's sad but true: Writing books is astonishingly time consuming, and when you already have a job and a child and limited writing time, you have to be really picky about what you spend that time on. Like, er, blogging. ;o)

10:35 AM  
Blogger Angela-la-la said...

C4 and E4 are driving me crazy with their ER shenanigans. I need my Luka Kovac fix!

Thinking of you this afternoon.

12:56 PM  
Blogger LJ said...

A friend of mine calls just living for a while "fallow time." Sensible soul that she is, she understands the concept that doing what we think of as nothing is actually necessary to rebuilding ourselves physically, emotionally and creatively.
May you have some good fallow time.
Thanks for visiting. I like your writing too.

12:13 AM  
Blogger Clare said...

Yes, fallow time is a good thing.

4:16 PM  

I'm a little flower, short and stout...